a lot of doubt and sad

I am in such a crisis right now !!

I am experiencing a lot of self doubt and it’s so bad for me. I know it’s bad for me because I can feel a mental breakdown looming over my brain. It’s like when you see storm clouds but it’s not raining yet…you know it’ll rain, you just don’t know when.

I kind of realized that I was doubting myself a lot when I basically just had a breakdown about how I felt as if I was negatively influencing people around me to do things that would make them worse people, specifically people in my family. I didn’t realize how sad and how horrible I felt about that until someone brought it up.

Another thing that has made me doubt myself is starting a studygram/studyblr. I have always doubted myself when it comes to school because my junior year was a really terrible experience, and I didn’t really get the grades that I wanted. I can’t count how many times I felt like I physically could not do any more work, and I constantly would be comparing myself to other kids that had the same workload as me but were doing much better than me in terms of earning good marks and keeping up with extracurricular activities. Because I didn’t get the grades I wanted in junior year, I started to doubt my academic ability and just my intelligence in general.

Starting a studygram/studyblr has made me think a lot about whether or not I even should be doing this in the first place, because I keep assuming that the people that usually run these things are the top of their class or get straight A’s all the time. I don’t even know these people, but I always get the feeling that most of them are amazing students, which then makes me compare myself to them. I feel as if I am not in the place to even have a studygram or a studyblr, because I’m not “top ten” of my class and because I don’t get absolutely stellar grades.

I get really sad thinking about these kinds of things. I really do. Throughout high school, I’ve only been surrounded with people that do more and achieve more than me, and I have not been told that I am doing a great job in school or that I am doing a great job in anything else. I think that’s why I am doubting myself even more; because no one praised me in a way that I could gain self confidence, I always seem to be shooting myself down for getting a bad test score or not studying 24/7. In other words, I feel like I am not good at anything and everyone around me is good at everything. I feel like I don’t have the right to be doing something that I’m not even good at.

This was kind of just a brain dump. I’ve been wanting to talk about this but never got the chance to because sometimes I’m not too good at putting how I feel out there…which is also why I am putting my feelings in a blog post instead of actually confronting someone about it.

Anyway, thanks for reading my post. It was probably kind of confusing to read because I tried to get down as many thoughts as I could before I forget, so sorry if the organization is a bit off. *but no one’s perfect, right?*

-S.J.L

gif of the day:

(desperately wanting rain)

it’s just another one of the sad days, guys. i’m not sure why, but i always just have splurges of negative emotion and it SUCKS. please comment if you get what i mean ❤

SOCIALS:

✒️️Instagram: @ _sarahhl

@ _aqualina –> studygram

✒️️Tumblr: http://espressively.tumblr.com/

 

 

2 . 7. 2017

I hope there will come a day when I will be able to understand what kind of emotions go behind all the music I listen to, whether it has lyrics or not. I’m not really looking forward to the process, but I just want reassurance that I can feel more than just one kind of emotion.

That would be nice.

-S.J.L

SOCIALS:

✒️️Instagram: @ _sarahhl

✒️️Tumblr: http://espressively.tumblr.com/

get out

I don’t really know what this is going to be. I think it’s just going to be a story that is a metaphor to my life or something. I’m just not quite sure what to call it.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

I don’t understand why you chose me. Why did you choose me? Why did you choose to invade my brain and just stay there for as long as you want? My brain is like a hotel to you. You, as a complete and total stranger, come up to the reception desk and check in. Of course the receptionist gives you the room key and you go up to your room. You bring luggage that is enough to last for a couple of YEARS. You keep coming back to stay here and you take everything you can out of it. No mercy. None at all.

I’m really tired of it. I’m tired of being corrupted and destroyed by you. The relentless, merciless monster that has taken everything good and left me with nothing to be happy about. I feel like I’ve just been deprived of everything that could possibly make me feel good. All by you. Because you chose to latch on to my brain and suck all the life out of it like some kind of monster.

My brain is like a pile of debris now. You shattered all the valuables and left only a couple small pieces for me because they aren’t of any use to you. This is like my only source of hope. The small moments when my brain is okay and when it has a little bit of hope and happiness. The small moments when you’re not active and at work, just taking over everything you can possibly take. And then just like that, it’s gone again because you stole everything else from me.

Please get out of my brain. I’m sick and tired of you. You overstayed and I’d like you to get out and pay for what you have taken away from me. Pay for all of the valuable things you shattered to pieces. Never come back again.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

YuP, my writing is super bad because my brain is actually fried from finals week. Also because I haven’t been sleeping very well so I am extremely tired right now.

Sorry if this made you feel down. I just wanted to vent in a different way because I thought it would be better to save everyone from the specific details.

If you haven’t noticed already, this is a metaphor to depression because to me it’s like a virus or some kind of monster that leaves me with nothing in my brain. I’m sure a lot of people going through the same thing will understand what I mean. I know it’s a really mediocre way of putting it, but I guess it’s kind of my raw emotions.

I didn’t want to completely rant and make a super long post about my feelings, so this is what I decided to post. If you’ve read the entire post, thank you! Thank you for being here even if I might not know you. It’s really comforting.

-S.J.L

gif of the day:

SOCIALS

✒️️Instagram: @ _sarahhl

✒️️Tumblr: http://espressively.tumblr.com/

 

 

thinking too much / words of gratitude 🍵

Helloooo everyone

I’m trying to decide on whether I should say the sad stuff first or the happy stuff first.

I’ll just go with sad first because at least you get to end on a happy note : )

Sometimes I get a feeling that I think excessively about everything I encounter in life. This all kind of stacks up and I cannot stop thinking about past events and all of the things that have gone wrong, whether it’s regarding my academics or emotional distress or relationships with other people.

If you’ve experienced this before, it’s like when you feel so many emotions but you can’t really explain how you feel to people around you. It’s actually probably really stressful and confusing to the friends I talk to about this, because most of the time I say something along the lines of:

“I’m thinking too much and I’m feeling too many emotions at once. It’s overwhelming and I don’t know what to do with myself.”

And then, them being really good friends and all, they say something like:

“Well, what are you thinking about? What emotions are you feeling? Sad, nostalgic, angry, upset? Talk about it with me.”

Then I just don’t know what to say, and that’s that. It passes after a little while, but I never know how long this goes on for. It’s frustrating for me because I don’t think I can ever properly explain this to someone. As simple as it seems, it actually causes me a lot of emotional distress and I get really stressed out in general from going through all of this while I’m also trying to keep up with school.

TLdr; I feel a lot and I don’t know how to express this in words. I hate it.

On to happy things! Because you know…only light can drive out darkness. Right?

Every now and then I have a really deep feeling of gratitude for people around me that just make me feel like a really cool person. To explain this in depth, people I know make me feel like the most amazing and talented person in the world because of my “violin skills” when not even my family does. (That was kind of sad, sorry :l) I’m really grateful that these people, whether they are acquaintances or friends, make me feel like a big deal when there are others that are much better at playing the violin than me. I’m glad that there are supportive people to give me encouragement and push me forward when I start to lose motivation for practicing or just playing in general.

Since playing the violin is a significant part of my life, I just (had to take a break here to mute my sound on skype ha) feel like I live for getting compliments on my violin playing. I love that I actually get recognized for something, if not outstanding academics. It’s a really nice feeling, so thanks to everyone that loves and appreciates the music that I play and the instrument that I play. It means so much to me and I can’t tell you guys how much I love when someone tells me they miss my violin playing, or when they talk about my orchestra/solo repertoire with me.

🙂

-S.J.L

as you can see this was a rollercoaster of emotions which kind of goes with what I said in the sad part of the post HA CONSISTENCY okay I should probably study for my gov final now, wish me luck!

gif of the day: (this was ACTUALLY what was happening for the past couple of days in my area)

SOCIALS:

✒️️Instagram: @ _sarahhl

✒️️Tumblr: http://espressively.tumblr.com/

23. . .

i’m so, so, so angry and upset and confused. [rant]

And JUST like that my mood changed from earlier today.

It’s like a split second where some negative feeling is exchanged and all of a sudden your mood turns bad and your attitude turns to sour milk. It takes 1 second. And then all you can think of is how to calm down, how to hide how you feel from the rest of the people around you because you don’t want to get caught crying or being sad, do you? No, because your pride won’t allow that to happen. Crying is bad because it makes you feel vulnerable in front of who just made you feel like that.

And it’s so shitty that I feel this all the time. It’s so, so, shitty and I feel so confused as to why this has to happen all the time. I mean, this isn’t a “mind over matter” issue because clearly I can’t forget about these bad things no matter how hard I try. I get yelled at for crying because “I don’t have the right to cry” because I’m always the one that did something wrong. Never anyone else. And what justifies that even more is the fact that I was a failure throughout high school. I never met their expectations, and I never followed their instructions. “If only you had followed what we said…” and “I knew this would happen, this is always what happens when you don’t listen…” haunt me to this day. I find myself blaming myself for every single terrible thing that has happened. I can’t find any other reason for it because I know it happened because I didn’t listen to them. But I know that’s not right.

But what can I do when that’s the only thing that I can feel? This has shaped me to think that when people are quiet, they’re mad at me. When someone asks me for a favor, I have to get it done perfectly, or else I feel like they will yell at me and scold me and punish me for not getting it the way they want it. When a fight happens, it’s always because I started stuff first. When I eat, I can’t forget to watch their eyes to make sure I’m not eating too much. I start to think that I should eat when everyone is sleeping so that I don’t feel like I’m hoarding everything and so that I don’t hear criticism about my weight and about how I’m eating even though I don’t deserve to. When I get on the computer, even if I’m watching an educational YouTube video I feel GUILTY because they don’t want me to be watching videos or doing anything entertaining because I’m “never finished” with what I have to do. I have to say sorry even if I don’t want to, even if I don’t feel sorry, because it’s the only way to stop the argument. Oh, but that’s the COWARDLY way to act because I don’t actually feel sorry. I have to express deep, deep, DEEP regret and sorrow for what I have done terribly wrong to them. I’m sorry for making you sad. I’m sorry for saying harsh things, I didn’t really mean those words. Please forgive me, I’ll never do it again. When I’m really only saying this because I don’t want to walk 1.5 miles to school every morning and walk home and not have a ride to my orchestra rehearsals, and not have money to take a bus or get a ride from someone either. Yet I STILL blame myself. Is this wrong? Am I wrong? Am I not being reasonable? Maybe I should just stop being such a bitch all the time?

I’m sick. I might have bronchitis because my cough has lasted for almost a month now, and my chest feels like it’s getting crushed for like 2 seconds every time I cough. You know what they say? They say they’re sick of me being ill. They’re sick of having to listen to me cough at night because they can’t sleep. But I am never taken to the doctor to see if there’s anything wrong with me, because we “don’t have the time to.” And there’s always the possibility of having to pay for medication which oh no, that’s money that’s being wasted on me added on to all the other things they spent money on for me. So we can’t afford to spend even MORE on me, can we? So they just stay quiet and do their own thing. They don’t ask if I’m okay, or if I need to see a doctor. I don’t get asked if I need help, I don’t get asked how much it hurts. I just get told to get better. Get better soon, so that we don’t have to listen to you coughing anymore.

I don’t have a choice, guys. I don’t have a way out. My brain has already been played with and corrupted and tainted with disturbing things that have happened to me and I don’t have a way out of that ever. Sure, high school will end and I won’t have to see them anymore. That doesn’t mean anything will stop. That doesn’t mean I can just select that part of life and delete it from my brain. It gets to where I can’t stop thinking about everything I blame myself for and I start overthinking and I just want to push everyone out of my life because I’m scared they won’t care about me one day and I’ll just be left here alone with my emotions not knowing what to do with them. It gets to where I don’t know what love is and I don’t know who I love. It confuses me too much to think about it and I hate thinking about it. I hate love. I hate it because I don’t know what it is and I throw that word around like there’s a concrete feeling or definition behind it.

I’m angry because I can’t do anything except run my mouth about it. I’m literally not able to get help, I can’t get out of here physically, I don’t have a job to support myself. I’m 16. I can’t do anything except study and play music.

The emotion I can feel the most is the emotion I hate the most.

The emotion I can’t feel the most is the emotion I want to feel the most.

I think I’m in a living hell.

-S.J.L

 

insecurities and sad stuff

*Warning: Contains a lot of really weird and sad stuff that might make you feel miserable so if you don’t feel like feeling miserable then please don’t read, because I don’t want to have a negative impact on anyone here.

1. Hate my thighs & my stomach a lot and people tell me not to be but it doesn’t work like that. I just hate them.

2. How I’m not good at anything and I just do a lot of things. Jack of all trades, master of none.

3. I don’t know what I feel for my family because it’s not love. Everyone else I know loves their families to death, why don’t I?

4. I’m sensitive and I can’t take insults.

5. I’m not as good as everyone else. My grades are bad and I’m not even good at what I love to do.

6. My face is too big.

7. I feel like everyone hates me. I feel like I am someone that deserves to be hated, and it makes me ashamed of myself because I want to love myself.

No explanation.

Just wanted to post this.

I’m going to be posting something that makes sense later tonight or tomorrow though. Take from it what you will.

And please don’t tell me that some things I said aren’t true. I appreciate your opinion, I just don’t actually feel that even if I want to.

I love you guys and thank you for reading ❤

-S.J.L