listen up, mom and dad.

Hello all, I am not sure what style of writing this is, but I had an outburst of emotions and decided to write down what I am thinking right now. Apologies for the weird posts lately, I have just not really had anything I wanted to write strongly about and I’ve also had a loss of motivation (which is something I feel like I say every single time I come back to write). Also, this is the first post where I directly address someone instead of vaguely write about them which is a bit strange for me. So here I go, I guess.

Listen up, mom and dad.

I know you are my parents, and I know you are older and more mature and more experienced but

Who are you to tell me what is and is not a waste of time? Who are you to tell me that I have not changed my ways, and who are you to tell me that I went through 4 years of high school for nothing, when you have not been here to emotionally support me throughout the process? Who are you to say anything about me when you can’t even tell me what my likes and dislikes and favorites are?

You know, I’ve been struggling these past few weeks. I’ve been struggling much more than I have ever struggled in the past 5 years that we have had this toxic relationship, and I don’t think you realize that I am 17 years old and I am aware of who I am. I am aware of what I enjoy, who I enjoy being around, who I should not be around, and most importantly, what kind of person I want to be. I have been maturing quietly through different experiences with different people that I would not have experienced if I had listened to everything you had told me to do, and now that I am almost off to go to college, thanks to both of you, all that has been growing inside of me is fear and self doubt. Fear and self doubt. Fear of failing and being in a world that you made sound so scary, and doubt of my intelligence and ability to succeed in whatever I do. Where used to be a wobbly but present foundation has now been broken.

Listen up, mom and dad. I would have really appreciated your support. I would have really appreciated genuine kindness and unconditional love. But it’s too late. And I’m panicking.

-S.J.L

creativity crisis ? ?

HI I am kind of back from my posting hiatus. Hiatus? I don’t know why I have been using that word a lot lately…I guess it says a lot about how absent I have been from my blog and how I should probably write more hahahsiudhdisfhkxjvn

The main reason why I was away is because college admission decisions came out like a tsunami for the past 2 weeks and I couldn’t keep up with everything that was going on. I felt pretty overwhelmed by the choices that I have and the thought of having to “decide” where I want to be and what I want to do for the next 4 years of my life. I’m pretty sure I am scared of the future because I am really, really struggling with deciding what university I want to attend in the fall for the sole reason of not having confidence in my ability to do well. I am really trying to recover from 4 years of self doubt right now because I can’t afford to not take risks – I’m 17 for cripes sake, not 30…

Anyway, I just wanted to write about the creativity crisis I’ve been going through. This happens to me a lot, and usually it happens when I have nothing to do (which is now). Whenever I get bored, I try to find something new and entertaining to do instead of sit in front of a computer and watch TV or talk to my friends because those activities start getting boring really fast as well. I guess you could say I get bored easily? I’m just the kind of person that always looks for new things to try out and new hobbies to take up because it’s really refreshing.

I am in a crisis because I am trying to be creative and think of ideas for what I want to do but it’s not working out at all. I feel as if I always just come back to the same idea over and over and over again. Just now I was thinking about what to use my thin dotted notebook for and how I would even put anything in it since it’s so small and I CAN’T think of anything new to try out. I feel like part of this is because I have tried so many things that nothing really strikes me as new or interesting anymore when it comes to writing in notebooks?

Just to be clear though, I’m not mad or extremely frustrated or disappointed in myself…I just found it really funny that I literally could not find a way to express my creativity through JOURNALING. I would expect that I would have an idea when it comes to journaling because I always have ways of using up notebooks but right now I don’t soooo

By the way, if anyone that reads this has an idea of what to write or put in a dotted soft cover journal with not many pages in it please let me know. I am bored out of my mind and I would like to write in a new notebook because I have an unhealthy obsession with notebooks. Thank you.

Also thanks for reading this extremely unstructured post, I hope you all enjoyed it :’)

-S.J.L

can we just talk about how much i hate old memes? i’m getting so tired of people sending memes that aren’t even funny anymore lol, like please stop using that slang it’s from 2015 😡 and also some people in the gaming community smh stop treating girls like they are some kinds of idols or goddesses it’s honestly so unflattering and annoying and gross? i feel like i am constantly in a reverse harem??

pic of the day:

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SOCIALS:

✒️️Instagram: @ _sarahhl

✒️️Tumblr: http://study-atm.tumblr.com/

(lengthy) february favorites 💘

Hey guys!

It’s a Saturday and the weather is really nice and chilly outside so I decided that I’m kind of in the mood to blog post – what better thing to do on a Saturday but write about February favorites when it’s already 4 days into March, right?

I’m going to separate my favorites into 3 categories: stationery/school stuff, hobbies, and music.

STATIONERY/SCHOOL STUFF:

  1. uni ball Signo Ultra Micro 207 (0.38). You can get 5 (I think) of these pens for $5 or $6, which I thought was really worth it! I love these pens and I use them for almost everything – bullet journaling, inking my drawings, and writing for classes. The only downside to these pens is that if you write by hand a lot, they run out of ink pretty fast. But hey, I’m not complaining because they are pretty nice pens and I believe you can also buy ink refills for them!
  2. Washi tape…? I have only really had like 3 rolls of actual washi tape to use and they aren’t the ones that I had wanted to put in my bullet journal so I’m not sure how I feel about that, but I have this really nice cotton tape I got from Daiso that serves ALMOST the same purpose. I didn’t put any of it inside my bullet journal because it made the pages have a weird bump so that when I closed the journal you could see the bump…ahhhahsahhsdfadsu yeah I didn’t like that but HEY, MY BIRTHDAY IS IN 6 DAYS *WINK WINK
  3. Sticky notes! I have started using sticky notes A LOT recently. I use a desktop computer to do most of my homework, so I have about 2-3 pads of sticky notes next to it so that if there’s something I need to remind myself about, I just write it on a sticky note and stick it on my monitor. It really does help a lot if you’re a forgetful person; you can use this system for laptops as well, which is convenient because instead of having to minimize all your tabs to look at the sticky note widget, you can just have a real sticky note on your computer..? Not to mention I use the small sticky note tabs to mark my pages in a book or textbook and they’re really cute uwu
  4. Folders/paperclips. This organization system is actually from a studytube that I found called tbhstudying so I think it would be better if you guys watched the actual video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFsZS3rOOGo

HOBBIES:

  1. Mah violiiiinnnnn ~ This is always going to be at the top of my list, no questions asked. I love my violin to death. I love classical music to death. It’s so amazing and playing boosts my productivity even though sometimes I really feel bad about my violin skills because of Mahler and Brahms. But it’s okay, because at the end all that matters is that I LOVE PLAYING SO MUCH
  2. Drawing/doodling. I haven’t drawn that much in February, but when I do it’s just a nice way to relieve stress and take attention away from studying/doing homework for a while. Most of the time I try to doodle in my bullet journal but sometimes I doodle in my class notes when class is really boring (oops). But yesterday I DID draw something with some really nice watercolor pencils from the brand Staedtler. It was pretty cool, I might put a picture of it on the “drawings” tab on my blog!
  3. Bullet journaling. This has honestly kind of saved my bad study habits because watching videos on bullet journaling and actually doing it has made me so much more motivated to actually finish school work on time and not wait until the last minute to do everything. I think it has overall made me more productive in general, so you guys should definitely check out what the whole craze behind bullet journaling is about!
  4. Playing video games with friends ? I’ve never done this at all throughout my years of playing video games because I had always kind of hid it and kept it to myself out of fear of getting judged, I guess. However I have been doing this a lot more often in senior year because it’s my last year in high school, and I like it a lot because I can be around people that love one of the same things as I do. It’s really comforting and relaxing to know that I always have that one group of friends by my side so hey – shoutout to those people, even though they might not be reading this 🙂

MUSIC:

  1. Lo-fi hiphop/chill. I found that this music is absolutely amazing for whenever I want to/have to study and be productive. I used to like a lot of EDM but after I found that genre I’ve kind of stopped listening to EDM as a whole. Lofi does sound a little weird at first, but when you get used to it, it’s just really nice to listen to (especially on rainy days for me). Here’s a link to my playlist of lofi, in case anyone wants to listen to it but is too lazy to look it up: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLDRbcHvHoPB0YJ5tRRDBTtvYpN1TJA6A2
  2. Mahler Symphony No. 1. Guys. This symphony has my heart. The last symphony that I actually really loved was Berlioz’s Symphonie Fantastique, and that was because I got to study it in depth at the music camp I was at…but I looked up the story behind Mahler’s 1st Symphony and it correlates so well with the piece itself. I was, and still am, so amazed with this piece and I cannot recommend it to you guys enough.

That’s it for my February favorites! I would have included Zebra Mildliners as one of the stationery favorites, but I ordered them in early February and they still haven’t arrived because the label was ripped off or something? COUGH amazon WHAT

Anyway, I’m now going to go post on Instagram, watch some YouTube, and then study/do homework. Thanks for reading!

-S.J.L

gif of the day (because it’s a study day):

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SOCIALS:

✒️️Instagram: @ _sarahhl

@ _aqualina –> studygram

✒️️Tumblr: http://study-atm.tumblr.com/

a lot of doubt and sad

I am in such a crisis right now !!

I am experiencing a lot of self doubt and it’s so bad for me. I know it’s bad for me because I can feel a mental breakdown looming over my brain. It’s like when you see storm clouds but it’s not raining yet…you know it’ll rain, you just don’t know when.

I kind of realized that I was doubting myself a lot when I basically just had a breakdown about how I felt as if I was negatively influencing people around me to do things that would make them worse people, specifically people in my family. I didn’t realize how sad and how horrible I felt about that until someone brought it up.

Another thing that has made me doubt myself is starting a studygram/studyblr. I have always doubted myself when it comes to school because my junior year was a really terrible experience, and I didn’t really get the grades that I wanted. I can’t count how many times I felt like I physically could not do any more work, and I constantly would be comparing myself to other kids that had the same workload as me but were doing much better than me in terms of earning good marks and keeping up with extracurricular activities. Because I didn’t get the grades I wanted in junior year, I started to doubt my academic ability and just my intelligence in general.

Starting a studygram/studyblr has made me think a lot about whether or not I even should be doing this in the first place, because I keep assuming that the people that usually run these things are the top of their class or get straight A’s all the time. I don’t even know these people, but I always get the feeling that most of them are amazing students, which then makes me compare myself to them. I feel as if I am not in the place to even have a studygram or a studyblr, because I’m not “top ten” of my class and because I don’t get absolutely stellar grades.

I get really sad thinking about these kinds of things. I really do. Throughout high school, I’ve only been surrounded with people that do more and achieve more than me, and I have not been told that I am doing a great job in school or that I am doing a great job in anything else. I think that’s why I am doubting myself even more; because no one praised me in a way that I could gain self confidence, I always seem to be shooting myself down for getting a bad test score or not studying 24/7. In other words, I feel like I am not good at anything and everyone around me is good at everything. I feel like I don’t have the right to be doing something that I’m not even good at.

This was kind of just a brain dump. I’ve been wanting to talk about this but never got the chance to because sometimes I’m not too good at putting how I feel out there…which is also why I am putting my feelings in a blog post instead of actually confronting someone about it.

Anyway, thanks for reading my post. It was probably kind of confusing to read because I tried to get down as many thoughts as I could before I forget, so sorry if the organization is a bit off. *but no one’s perfect, right?*

-S.J.L

gif of the day:

(desperately wanting rain)

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it’s just another one of the sad days, guys. i’m not sure why, but i always just have splurges of negative emotion and it SUCKS. please comment if you get what i mean ❤

SOCIALS:

✒️️Instagram: @ _sarahhl

@ _aqualina –> studygram

✒️️Tumblr: http://espressively.tumblr.com/

 

 

self-satisfaction

Hey all!

Today I decided that I wanted to write about self satisfaction, because I know that this is something that everyone deals with in their lifetime. Unfortunately, I don’t think it is talked about as much as we all think about it.

I think there is a large misconception of the difference between self-satisfaction and arrogance. This is understandable, because being satisfied with yourself might come off as being arrogant to someone else since they do not know exactly how you feel.

My issue with self-satisfaction is that I don’t really know when it is okay to be satisfied with myself. I know that if I become too satisfied with myself and what I do, there won’t be a chance for me to improve at all; self-satisfaction will then become like a consequence instead of a reward. It can stump improvement and increase your self-esteem by a little too much sometimes as well.

Because of this, I find that I am never satisfied with myself. I am always thinking about the negative part of myself or my music or my blog posts instead of the positive parts, because I am fearful of becoming too arrogant and getting carried away – and I know there are a lot of people out there that feel the same way, because I see this happen all the time with people my age.

And it’s abusive. It can get really emotionally abusive. I torture myself over the fact that I could have done something better or gotten a better grade on a test. I torture myself over things like how I play music and how auditions go. I do this even though I want to believe that I did okay and I am going to continuously do fine.

I want to believe it, but I feel like I can’t…which is what the biggest issue is, and what ultimately leads to my “downfall”. I guess it’s another type of insecurity, too.

Food for thought, guys. What do you think about self-satisfaction? Do you have too much of it or too little? Or are you stuck in the middle, unable to decide when you should be satisfied with yourself?

Let me know! You can let me know in the comments, or on a comment on an Instagram photo, or even in a DM. I am always curious to hear other people’s opinions on what I have to say about things.

Thanks for reading, and I’ll talk to you all in the next blog post (whenever that may be…hopefully tomorrow).

-S.J.L

i made another instagram account! this time, it’s going to be for my study stuff and pictures of my class notes and bujo spreads and such, if you’re interested in that kind of stuff. i will leave both links at the very bottom of this post after the gif of the day!

gif of the day:

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(in celebration of starting a kind of studygram!)

SOCIALS:

✒️️Instagram: @ _sarahhl

@ _aqualina –> studygram

✒️️Tumblr: http://espressively.tumblr.com/

2 . 7. 2017

I hope there will come a day when I will be able to understand what kind of emotions go behind all the music I listen to, whether it has lyrics or not. I’m not really looking forward to the process, but I just want reassurance that I can feel more than just one kind of emotion.

That would be nice.

-S.J.L

SOCIALS:

✒️️Instagram: @ _sarahhl

✒️️Tumblr: http://espressively.tumblr.com/

love vs. dependency

Hello all, and good morning/afternoon/evening.

I decided that I would get posts out more frequently about any ideas I get because I keep getting ideas on what to write about and then push back posting about it, and then I end up not posting at all…

Let’s talk love vs. dependency.

I’m sure everyone already knows or has experienced a time in their life when someone is dependent on you but does not actually love you. This doesn’t have to be romantic love, obviously. It can be love between members of a family, or love between friends. Regardless of what kind of relationship it is, there’s a commonality of a person being dependent on you, not loving you.

The difference is very simple. There are a couple of ways that we can tell whether someone loves us or not, and although I may not be an expert on any of these (particularly romantic love), I think I have a good idea of what happens when someone is sticking with you because they are dependent on you for emotional or materialistic reasons.

The easiest way to tell the difference between love and dependency, in my opinion, is the language that they use. Language is extremely important in any relationship, because no matter what kind of relationship, obviously communication is important in order for it to maintain stability. I have observed that when people use language to describe the other person that they “love”, their description of that person says a lot about their true feelings.

For example, if Amanda loves her parents very much, then she would use language like “I would do anything for my parents, even if it puts me at risk” or “My parents are my best friends” or “My parents mean the world to me”. On the contrary, if Amanda did not love her parents and she was merely dependent on them for her survival, she would use language like “My parents are important to me” or “I need my parents because they are important in order for me to get to college” or “My parents are the sole provider for my education and for my well being”. The point is, I think there’s a correlation between positive, emotional language and negative, materialistic language that really emphasizes the strength and genuine love between people in relationships.

This can go the other way as well; parents could be dependent on their kids much more than they love them. It’s the same thing as the first situation; the easiest way to tell is by the kind of language that they use.

And sure, this really puts a generalization on all relationships, but in my opinion, in a real loving relationship there is a fair balance between love and dependency. If there’s imbalance between love and dependency, that could lead to a really toxic relationship (I speak from experience here).

That’s a wrap! That’s my opinion on this subject of discussion. I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while, although I don’t know if it will even help someone in some way. I hope it at least gave you some insight/got you thinking about what relationships you really should value vs. what relationships you may not want to value as much for the sake of your future.

Thank you for reading !

-S.J.L

ok. it’s cold and gloomy outside so i decided to write. this is the perfect kind of weather to write in and i love when california is like this because SCREW THE SUN AHHHHHHHHH at LEAST with the clouds out the UV RAYS ARENT EVIDENTLY IN MY FACE PIERCING MY SKIN and i mean i’m aware that they are still there even with clouds out but at least the evidence isn’t right there, you know? hit that like button if you agree, man

gif of the day:

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isn’t this just the cutest and coziest thing? i really wish it was raining right now :/

SOCIALS:

✒️️Instagram: @ _sarahhl

✒️️Tumblr: http://espressively.tumblr.com/